Why do I hate shopping ?

As such, I am a lazy guy but when it comes to shopping I find myself shackled in extra fetters. I don’t know if I am the only guy who feels like that but this one thing is as clear as Megan Fox’s skin that there are broadly two kinds of shoppers: Men and women. None of the other possible classifications can classify shoppers with such profundity. Whenever a woman gets dumped or is feeling extremely envious of another woman (mostly one of her friends. I believe nothing pinches a girl more, than losing her share of attention to none other than one of her friends. What makes it even worse is that she can’t even talk about it), then the most reliable and time –tested trick she relies on, is hitting the shops and malls. On the other hand, Guys have a different psyche all together. They will either, hit the bar to realize one of their hidden fantasies of getting blitzed and abusing their betrayer girlfriend, or they will arrange some drinks and get their hands on their good-old, always consecrated, Porn stack. This is the ultimate stress-buster. ohhh.. where were we??…yes shopping!

I don’t know about girls but there is one more thing that I hate about shopping. I just get so pissed off when that faggot security guard, at the door, catches hold of me. I just feel like running for my dignity. Nothing is more chagrining than getting a guard’s hand all over your body and getting your nuts caressed by that ugly poof. The only thing that gives me solace is the sight of girls enduring the same procedure on the other side.

After persisting through this mental trauma I enter the mall. ( I am not discussing the experience at a local market as it’s worthy of a dedicated article.) I go straight to the showroom that I trust upon, find some decent looking clothes, no! they needn’t be perfect! Pay for them and come out. That’s it! Shopping done. Thank GOD, I am not a girl and I don’t have to pay a visit to every known brand to search for a kind of dress ( a trashy look-alike) that Katrina wore in a recent movie, I don’t have to hunt for matching accessories for the each piece of clothing that I bought. It just baffles me how do girls handle this. I mean it’s hard for me to pick up just one or two from a pile of some awesome clothing. It just muddles me up and moreover I think it would be a sheer racial discrimination to the other pieces. I’d rather use some akkad –bakkad kind of thing( I hate inkie –pinkie –ponkie) so that I can blame it to the luck of the pieces. Plus unlike girls, I don’t have an option of picking all of them in confusion as I hate being laughed at and being considered stupid.

Other thing that really bothers me is that I can’t remember names of brands or shops. There are all sorts of brands that have come up in India with weird names and then you have to remember which one of them is for gents and which is not. Another potential humiliation-trap for me.  I just get devilled when my friends discuss about brands and their respective discounts on sales. Usually, one of these friends assists me while shopping.

One more thing that beats the shit out me is that creepy salesman that just keeps standing by you while you are making your mind to buy something. That’s not all. He will try to influence your choice by giving his personal opinions on which particular shirt will make you the smartest guy on earth. His servility reaches limits when he praises your choice even if you choose something as homo as Terence Lewis would have chosen.

In short, I suck at shopping. Unfortunately, it is something that’s part of life. I just hope someday, somehow an epiphany changes it all for me and finally I too enjoy something that half of this world relishes.

image courtesy: http://achinettevillamor.com

Commonwealth Games: What it means to Delhi?

Why is it that without hosting some international sports event, Delhi can’t get its share of development. Earlier, when Delhi hosted 1982 Asian Games, people were gifted with color televisions, the posh south Delhi and The Appu Ghar. And yes, this was the time when people saw furnished roads at places outside the Lutyens Delhi.

Now Delhi is said to be set for Commonwealth Games. Only God knows what will happen, as all the news we are getting, is regarding the work lagging behind. But, this time government intends to gift a lot more to Delhiites. Some big stadiums (which after the games would only be used for marriage parties and ramlilas), many flyovers (alleged to be cracking already), extension of Delhi Metro (the only solace), and the mushrooming Red light areas to sate the carnal desires of tourists among others. Congratulations Delhi!!

INR 80,000 crore is supposed to be spent on CWG. No wonder every other leader is opposing it. WHY??  With that kind of money, these leaders could have done much more important things for the country. For example, Mayawati could've bought herself a cake commensurate with Agra’s size on her birthday, a brand new city named after her or a Dalit leader. While Indian rice and sugar is going wasted in godowns, Sharad Pawar could’ve imported more rice and sugar  to meet (his) demands (through commissions) , he could have bought MPs for the constitution of The Third Front and buy himself the directorship of FIFA too, Shashi Tharoor could’ve installed a facility in his toilet so that he can tweet live from there, Mamta Bannerji  could have paid for several assistants to look after her ministry so that she doesn’t has to move out of Kolkata, Mr. Laloo could have bought some contraceptive aids and few more buffaloes. Shibu Soren could have effectively utilized this money in bribing the court judges to bring down the number of his cases running in these courts. Vrinda Karat could have imported designer bindis for herself, specially ordered from Milan. This list can go on and on…

The question here is ..Can Sheila Dixit, with help of volunteer citizens, pull off the event while maintaining its dignity, keeping in mind, so many opposition leaders and some jealous party men are cursing the whole CWG approach day and night?  If GOD believes in quantity, CWG is in serious trouble.  

image courtesy : http://cribb.in

AN OPEN LETTER TO CUPID

Hey Cupid! Listen up dude!

This is weird. Isn't it??  Why, in this world, am I writing a letter to you? The one who is crucified every time a person can't practically justify the eerie, insidious attraction he feels induced for someone. But, the question is why the hell I, instead of watching football or fooling around on facebook or beating life out of my phone on whatsapp, for that matter (things that people of my age are supposed to do and the things which in fact some of my coeval friends might be doing right now as i write this letter), I am adamantly writing a zany letter to you. I mean, How dumb I am?

The fact is that, I have my own reasons which persuade me to do this. These are not my personal problems. I am doing this on behalf of all the libidinous (which covers 95% of them) guys who have been, throughout their life, abashed by the pranks played by CUPID on them. Of course, here I am not talking about any kind of platonic love.

Okay! Let’s get started.  

You leave me pissed off when you set me having a crush on my best friend's girlfriend. I agree that we have a high female foeticide rate in India but still there are so many other girls out there whom you can set me up with. But, all you could find for me, was, this sole girl. Come on! India still has a sex ratio of 933. You could have done much better. You don’t know how difficult a situation it is for a guy to cheat on his best friend. (I wonder if you are a guy?)

   

Let’s move on. I was a kid, and you made me fantasize about my teachers!! Fucking awesome!!  Haan !!  You had fun?? Having said that i agree that i had some privileges that an adult male would have been denied of but there was so little that i could do at that time.You must understand that this is India and people here can't live in such morally-bankrupt, perversion-inducing environment that you are trying to create here. What you do in western countries may be accepted by those people but certainly this can't go on here. We have shiv-sainiks and Ram sena who will beat the shit out of people, if they do so. So please can you find some relevant matches for me?       

Let me tell you that nothing is shittier than having a crush on an aunty next door or some receptionist of an institute (only because of whom we make a decision which coaching institute to join). I urge you not to put me in the moral disgrace when this is disclosed in public. No one except, the other guys, can empathize with us. I know this deserves a bad beating on our asses but people!!  Try being a guy for one day and you will know that it’s normal. But still as i said earlier it's all, at a higher level because of you or because of GOD who made us that way.  

There is another big problem with me. Every time I go and watch a movie, I end up having a crush on the cosmetics clad heroine. In fact, in that particular song of a shit-throwing movie "OSO" which featured every actress who was jobless at that time and was cringing to come on screen and shake'em with the 'BAD-SHAH' KHAN, I ended up being infatuated by each one of them. I am a human after all but I have limitations. I can’t think about so many women in one go. I am not saying that I don’t like it but man!, keep it slow, give me one at a time. The only aberration however, till now has been Shilpa Shetty. I sometimes wonder who told her that she can be a heroine and now she has done the same thing that every unsuccessful so-called-actress does, id - est marrying a millionaire. If she is called an actress in the first place then what wrong a deed Mallika Sherawat has committed. She also deserves the actress status. Ohhh.. I have gone totally out of context. Why didn’t you stop me??

Now, this one's serious. Never ever make us fall in love with a girl who is a good friend. This situation is a bit complex and is not easy to understand if you haven't experienced it yourself. The goddamn tragedy is most of the time when this happens, the girl is already committed and we are just gonna be pissed off beyond limit. Why?? Girls have this peculiar thing of sharing their love life with their good friends. There is a great possibility that you also get to hear what happened last time she went out with her boyfriend, how much she loves her or how cute he is. Damn it girl! Don’t you understand that I don’t give it a kalmadi how cute your chick-magnet teddy-esque boyfriend is!!  Mr Cupid, you may not understand, but every time she talks about this, my heart sinks deeper and I wish I could tell you how much.. Screw her boyfriend!!! If we are lucky and this girl is presently single then there exists a different dilemma. What if she says no? What if she answers in those killer diplomatic lines (which deserves another article), How would I be able to face her again? There will always be that weird sensation floating every time we will be together. Let  those be damned, who say that ex-lovers can be friends. No, they can’t!!  Sparks always exist between the two. Same will happen here and certainly I don’t want that to happen with our friendship. So please, you better not make me fall in love with a friend.

In the end, just one more thing, as a guy, I have hurt many girls till now. I know there comes a time in a guy’s life when he feels rueful about this. I just want to tell you that when mine comes, give me strength so that I’d be ready to expiate in whatever way possible.

Cheers dude!

Just another guy,

Earth.

image courtesy : http://www.clipartandcrafts.com